Here’s how it works: use the app to locate the nearest stack of tires and a pole that I’ve dropped off all across the city. Then assemble the worn-out car tires and metal pole into any mobile you want. You’re not limited by form like you are with bike shares or e-scooters that come already “constructed” and “ready to ride.” Instead, you’re in charge!
And the possibilities are nearly endless! Maybe you need the functionality of a vehicle with 12 tires: you can do that with us! I’ve left stacks that go that high! Or perhaps you do want a bicycle, you just don’t want complicated gears and brakes to interfere with your thoughts as you ride—then make your own gearless two-wheeler! Stand up two tires, thread in the pole, and there you have it: that’s a bicycle! How it will move is up to you!
Or just sit inside a tire and roll where you gotta go, you don’t even need to use the pole! I’m not some dictator that’s gonna make you use the pole if it’s not part of your vision! I’m just a simple, handsome person who’s unloading tires and poles all over town from a U-Haul I never returned.
There’s no restriction to what kind of ride you make a stack of tires and a pole into, which means the government can’t regulate it: there’s no way anything you make could ever be classified as a vehicle! A lawyer for the county told me this! With great reluctance!
You can make a bus that you propel with your feet, and offer rides to strangers, because nice people are our number one users. Or you can pioneer a new kind of wheeled-machine of your own creation that will make anyone on a moped look like the defective person they are.
You do you, you!
Have I mentioned there are zero carbon emissions? That’s right: me leaving hundreds of tires outside on the ground is actually good for the environment. Someone tell this to those hounds at the local EPA office who are hounding me!
A Stack of Tires and a Pole offers exclusive features that other rideshares can’t. The tires are heavy, so you get a workout. The pole is hard to manage, so you get a physical challenge. Sometimes there’s a little bit of water left in a tire from a rainstorm: that’s yours to keep. Plus, my tires and poles are durable: they won’t break like the e-scooters I’ve backed over or the mopeds I’ve dismantled.
And there’s no shortage of tire stacks and poles: I live at the corner of a dangerous curve on a busy access road, so I have a steady supply of tires that end up rolling into my yard. Poles? They’re easy to come by and inherit. And I’m not about to run out of places in the city to dump them. It’s the perfect setup!
CAUTION: I have heard reports of sneaky persons who conceal themselves in the tire stacks and try to grab at A Stack of Tires and a Pole users. These tire-hiders are not affiliated with my company in anyway! Judging by their actions, clearly they are harmless haunted house actors who are out of work in the off season. However, since one of them did tussle with someone and pulled the drawstring from their hoodie, rendering the hood un-tightenable, please be on-guard: before accessing a tire stack, run full speed and bash your body into it and knock it over. You’ll know right then and there if it’s been compromised.
And now for the big question on everyone’s mind: can a user rent every tire and pole in the city to make an endless car that circles back to itself and has no beginning and no end?
That’s the dream, isn’t it? Although it’s not prohibited, it’s likely that A Stack of Tires and a Pole will get so popular that it will be impossible to rent every single stack and pole at once. So unfortunately, the endless car will have to remain theoretical, like the warp drive or the water fountain.
But don’t let that stop you from dreaming big with A Stack of Tires and a Pole! Download the app, and you’ll join me in telling those Silicon Valley V.C.’s that they don’t call the shots in the rideshare game anymore: now it’s someone else’s turn to have their business overvalued.
This content was originally published here.